To work or not to work, that is the question

I went back to work full-time after having my first daughter.  There’s was no choice, no option.  After my son was born 18 months later, I worked full-time for about 6 months and then blacked-balled my work into letting me work mornings.  But after doing that, the environment was awkward and I still felt like I never saw the kids- I’d come home just as they were going down for their naps and wouldn’t really get to be with them until the late afternoon.  So, I switched to a part-time job that let me work afternoons and weekends when my kids were 1 and 2.5 years old.  THEN I popped out a third baby and continued to work part time until she was 6 months old.  Then I quit.  I quit working completely.

That was three years ago and I AM LOSING MY MIND.  We are broke AF.  So broke.  So so so strapped for cash.  So broke that the $400 I would net if I went back to work part-time would increase our discretionary income by nearly 60%.  So broke that working for a net $3.00 an hour sounds worth it.

used to judge the shit out of mom’s who worked full-time just to have nice things.  I just felt like they couldn’t be bothered to make a budget and actually put in the work that is being a stay at home mom.  In our case, we are currently “making it work” on one income, but barely.  I don’t want to work so I can have nice things, I want to work so my kids can sign up for soccer.  So we can have a savings account.  So we can live in a 3 bedroom instead of a 2 bedroom house.  So I can actually buy groceries every week instead of relying on a food box from the food pantry once a month.

Along with the guilt from being unable to provide what I feel my kids needs, I feel incredibly judged by everyone else for NOT working.  The “must be nice” looks just kill me.  I don’t feel like I’m pretty enough, skinny enough, creative enough, clean enough, fuckable enough to not have to work.  I’ve spent my whole life judging my worth by either my performance as a student or performance as a wage earner and it’s just so hard to find value in what I’m doing right now.  Three years ago, yes.  I had a BABYBABYBABY and a 3 year old and a 4 year old.  OF COURSE they needed their mama around.  DUH.

But now… I’ve got a kindergartner and a 2nd grader.  They go to school at 7:45 and I pick them up a little after 2:00… THEY receive NO VALUE from me being home during those hours.  I can’t volunteer in their class because I also have a 3.5 year old who doesn’t go to preschool.  So what does it matter to my oldest two kids that I’m at home all day?

But the 3 year old.  Maybe she needs me?  I can’t imagine her being in daycare all day long, but I’m not even considering that.  I’m simply considering putting her in daycare for 2 days a week max.  Would that be better for her?  I don’t know…

And then the husbear.  He has to do very little around the house and with the kids as it is right now.  That would change if I went back to work.  He would have to leave work, not at 7pm or 9pm like he’s want to do, but at a set time two days a week so he could pick up the kids. He would have to devote one day a week on the weekends to watching the kids while I work.  Would that hurt his job?  Would that cause him more stress?  Would the extra $400 in our budget each month make up for it?

Ugh.  I just don’t know.  I think feeling bored and trapped at home all day is messing with my head.  It’s making me want to have another baby just so I can feel needed and justify not working.  But the baby question is another topic for another day…

Thanks for listening loves.  Kisses!

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